Iris plunges the metal poker into the liturgical bonfire as Lodestar concludes the final hymn, and another vespers comes to a close. Ringlight is off by himself as usual, staring into the offing as Focus hangs low over the water. I wish he’d at least be with us during liturgy.
I guess he just doesn’t have it in him anymore. Makes me ache a little inside. He used to be so devout. His faith was what kept the shadows at bay. Me and him, we both struggle with depression. I think that’s why we got along so well as pups. I think he has it harder than me though. People get to know me and can see why I have a hole in my soul. All but two of my sires and dams dead, and the rest of my litter mates stillborn. “Of course YOU have a reason to be sad, but him? His childermoot and litter mates love him, and he doesn’t want for anything. Why is he so glum all the time? Why doesn’t he just cheer up?” They just don’t get it…
I look over at Iris and give her a quick ear flick to let her know I’m popping out of the simulacrum to check the [i]Dewfall[/i]’s comms. I don’t have to leave, strictly speaking, but our nervous systems are slowed by a factor of 7600 while in sim. Decades go by back home while mere hours pass for us lounging on this ersatz beach on pseudo-Sweetwater. It’s much easier to react to stuff in realtime.
Just before the sim melts away I catch a whiff of panic coming from Ringlight. Is he dissociating again? That’d be the second time today, well, subjectively speaking. That’s why I wish he’d at least be with us for the liturgies. This is the whole reason the mission planners were so cagey about letting him come with us. Yeah he passed the suspension screenings, but you’re not in sim for 250 years realtime for those. You’re not exposed to the Voice for that long. If he can’t pray, if he can’t meditate, if he can’t sing the liturgies, he’s that much more vulnerable to the Voice. Iris swore up and down that she could keep him anchored. She’s managed it so far, but it has to be exhausting to puppysit him like this. Void, it’s exhausting for ME just watching.
Admittedly that’s the other reason I duck out of the sim. The Voice isn’t so strong in the operating system. Never goes away completely, but even Ringlight could brush it off out here. Of course hanging out in the OS environment for 250 years WILL drive you nuts, which is why the simulacrum exists in the first place. You need sensory input to stave off the insanity, but that sensory input is what causes the Voice.
The last thing I see is Iris bounding over to the waves where Ringlight is silently panicking, then my whole reality pops like a soap bubble. I fight a wave of nausea as the chemical cocktail my physical body is pickled in alters to return my time perception to normal. Part of me wishes we could just hang out here. There’s something about the OS environment. Maybe it’s the air, well, I’m calling it air, anyway. It’s not hot, it’s not cold, it’s not too humid or too dry. It’s just… there. I know it’s because the amnion isn’t stimulating my thermoreceptors, and I know I’d go bonkers eventually, but compared to that humid beach, it’s a relief.
I gather myself after the queasiness passes. The neon magenta grid floor expands endlessly around me, receding into the black infinity. My whiskers and the wet part of my nose catch the cyan light streaming down from above. I always look up expecting to see a turquoise sun shining down on me, but there’s nothing there but blackness. Sometimes I wonder why the OS looks like it does. Someone designed it like this. Why the grid? Why this specific color of lighting? Why do I like it so much? It’s a particular aesthetic I can’t put my paw on, but it scratches a very specific itch in my farspeaker brain.
I gesture with my tail to pull up the latest messages received through the ansible network. It’s only been a few hours as far as my brain is concerned but years worth of missives from back home flood the featureless black around me.
“New High Hearthkeeper takes charge of the Eternal Hearth,” reads a headline from eleven years ago.
“Good riddance,” I grunt out loud to nobody. Whoever we got has to be better than that witch who tried to suppress the missionaries again. I still blame her for causing Ringlight to lapse. She was awfully chummy with the Partisans, too…
I catch myself fuming again. Why do I even look at the news? It’s never anything good, and it’s certainly not anything I can do anything about. Light willing we’ll be among other sophonts soon anyway and I can just forget about Focus.
Sophonts—that’s right! How far along are we? I swish my tail, banishing the miserable headlines swarming around me like angry insects. We should have entered the star system by now. A star chart ripples into view, showing the [i]Dewfall[/i]’s course relative to our destination exoplanet. It’s a little blue marble, the third planet out from its star, nestled perfectly in the habitable zone. Long range surveys from Focus detected a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere at perfect pressure. Gravity is a bit higher than on Yih, but nothing yinrih can’t handle. Oh, and liquid water, absolutely everywhere. Nearly three quarters of the world’s surface is covered in it.
We’ve crossed the orbit of the fourth planet. By the time I jump back in sim to tell the others about what I’ve found, we’ll be in orbit around our destination. My tail twitches as I hesitate. Do I check the realspace radio? I feel that particular flavor of dread you get when you know you have to do something, but refuse to do it because you know you won’t like what you find. One hundred millennia—that’s how long we yinrih have been searching for intelligent life among the stars, bone not of our bone, flesh not of our flesh, but souls like unto our own. I feel like this is the moment of truth, but can’t bring myself to patch in the radio.
I flop down onto the floor. The nice thing about being in the OS while everyone else is in sim is that I can dawdle as long as I want, and they’ll just think I was gone for a fraction of a second. I could just stare out into the magenta horizon for however many months we’ve got to go before arriving. Of course, it only takes a few days to lose your mind out here, Voice not required. I could last longer if the others were with me, but the OS wasn’t designed to be lived in.
I roll over onto my back and stare up into the invisible cyan sun, thumping my tail on the virtual floor. I’m doing everything I can to avoid that blasted radio. I’ve—We’ve all been dreading this day since we climbed into our amnions aboard the Dewfall. Deep down, we know we won’t find anything. Nobody’s ever found anything. None of our long range surveys, none of our missions have ever come across so much as a microbe. We’ve been howling into the cosmos all this time, searching for other minds like ours, but in the end we’ll always be utterly alone.
We’ll limp back to Focus, our Sires and dams gone and our litter mates and friends ancient and gray-muzzled. This 24-day vacation will have cost us five hundred years. Lacrimal fluid starts dripping from my lips, the red liquid vanishing into the black fur of my cheeks. I lost all but two of my parents and the rest of my litter before I even knew them. Now I’ve thrown away what time I had left with my surviving sire and dam.
Maybe Ringlight is right after all. Maybe it’s all nonsense. Comforting and beautiful, but nonsense all the same. An illusory bulwark against the inevitable existential dread that comes with understanding our mortality and our insignificant place in the universe, the curse of sapience.
Welp, let’s get this over with. I rise to my paws. I dig my claws into the unyielding digital ground and tense up as though preparing to be struck. Eyes scrunched closed, ears pinned back, head lowered, I hastily perform the tail gesture to summon the output interface for the radio.
The high pitched whistle of a heterodyne grates at my ears. “Just internal noise,” I think, but then the tone abruptly stops. Then it comes back again, then stops again. “Something’s wrong with the digital signal processor,” I growl aloud. The sound continues.
Slowly, a rhythm emerges, and I start tapping my left writing claw in time with the beat.
long, short, long, short, pause, long, long, short, long.
“It’s a pattern…”
“NO!” I bark, “It’s a SIGNAL!”
I jab my tail in the air. The pulsating white sphere representing the radio output unfurls into a spectrum waterfall. The signal I’ve been hearing flows down the display.
dash, dot, dash, dot, pause, dash, dash, dot, dash. I increase the frequency domain to survey more of the spectrum. Dozens of these narrow-bandwidth signals cascade down the waterfall on either side of the first.
I input more gestures, sliding the frequency oscillator hither and thither across the spectrum. Different types of signals flit across the display, none as narrow as that first beeping cadence. Signals of all types, amplitude, frequency, and phase modulated signals, both discrete and continuous. Some of these are surely modulated speech. I tune to a particularly strong AM signal, tail quivering in anticipation. What do these sophonts sound like?
🎵 Roráte caéli désuper, et núbes plúant jústum 🎵
Singing… words? They can put words to a melody! Hisses, hushes, pops, trilling growls, loose and flowing sonorous sounds all caress my ears like a cool breeze on a hot day. There are more kinds of sounds in that one snatch of song than in every yinrih language combined. I have no idea what the words mean. It could be a drunken ballad for all I care. Right now it sounds as beautiful as a hymn to the Uncreated Light.
I drift into an ecstasy, my earlier doubts forgotten. I swim in a shimmering sea of invisible light dancing to the chorus of a hundred thousand inaudible voices. My mind floats in this alien noosphere for hours uncounted.
I come out of my reverie. How long have I been standing here? My paw pads ache and my joints are stiff. I notice my muzzle, chest, and forelegs are soaked in red tears, and a crimson puddle has collected around my forepaws. I stretch my legs and flex my digits, listening to another heavenly transmission from our new friends.
“AT THE TONE, THE TIME IS: TWELVE HOURS, THIRTY THREE MINUTES, COORDINATED UNIVERSAL TIME—” BEEEEEEEEEEP
I heave a contented sigh. “Music to my ears…”